Through confessing where obsessive fear was birthed in my life, I have seen up close all my weaknesses. But God still loves me and uses me anyway. PTL If you would have told me a few years ago of some of the things I would be encountering now, I would not have believed you. That is why I am so incredibly amazed that I am here as a missionary in Thailand. It is such a testimony to the work God has done in my heart and in my mind. That I am here and LOVING it! I hardly recognize myself and I am so glad. I think back to how God led us and guided us through each step and I am so thankful. It only strengthens that we are certainly meant to be here and with that my faith grows and my ability to trust God for protection increases and those fears that used to consume me are manageable. They still come around but they don't stay long.
Like one day last week, I noticed that for some reason, I was unusually fearful all day. I was nervous when John went out on the motorcycle, I was nervous when it took Brayden 2 hours to get home on the bus, I was nervous with Aslan going up and down the stairs. It was a day of annoying paranoia. It was also just as I was fighting allergy stuff and day before I came down with the flu. I am starting to be aware to the timing. Those extreme fears like to try to revisit when I feel weak physically or vulnerable emotionally and not at my normal alertness. But I still recognized it and was able to have John pray with me. I like seeing that I have grown in this area. It makes me feel strong to discern it and deal with it instead of feeling weak and weary by giving into it. I could have missed being in our calling and missed all this joy if I let myself always be fearful.
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